Time: 2:13
Weather: Rainy
Topic: College, reviews, games, health, abuse.
As predicted, I couldn't keep up with the pace I was working on the Slow Damage for long. My summer classes started so I worked hard for a week to blast through the worst of the work. These are 14 week courses condensed into just 4 weeks. While two of the classes are busy but changed a bit to reflect the time crunch, the art history class I'm taking is straight up the full course. All the material was available in the first week so I crunched and did all the quizzes, midterm, and final within the first week. It's made the class much, much more manageable. If I hadn't done this the work would've been spread out in a way where I couldn't do anything enjoyable for four weeks. So even though the crunch was a lot, it ended up being a lot less exhausting.
I've been playing lots of Tears of the Kingdom. I have no intentions to reivew it, though I do want to. They've improved a lot of systems in the game and have come up with a narrative with more impact, despite it still being told in a random order and taking place in the past. Functionally the game feels like more Breath of the Wild, just with a new level of polish. That's not a bad thing. The core systems and game loop introduced in Breath of the Wild was excellent and I think refining it was a great direction to take this. Only big complaint I have are performance issues. I'm not a big Gamer when it comes to graphics and framerates. I can't tell the difference between 30 and 60 fps and I don't think graphics are all a game needs. Games can look dated or even outright ugly and still be amazing if the gameplay holds up. That said, I've noticed a lot of frame drops and performance issues in Tears of the Kingdom in a way that does negatively affect gameplay. Lag is relatively frequent and most commonly occurs in battles. I really wish there had been an update to the Switch's hardware before the game dropped. But, ultimately, I am having a great time. It's been difficult to tear myself away from the game. I had to put a ban on playing it until I got those quizzes done so I wouldn't forget to do my work. I've been playing it either not at all or for 8 hours straight.
Otherwise, got into Nu:Carnival recently. I like it but god, this has to be one of the most predatory gacha games I've seen in a long while. There's been some choices that make it very hostile to F2P players, chiefly that re-runs are a currency that is difficult to obtain if you don't pay for it. I have a good sense of control when it comes to gambling so I can enjoy gacha games if they have decent systems that engage me. I've been playing them as F2P since I was 14 and I like the experience of the excitement and chance without having to risk my money. Plus the odds are stated very directly in most gachas. That said, it is such a predatory model for games and I always feel a weird mix of things when playing. It's fun and there's plenty to enjoy there for free. But I'm aware of all the awful stories of people going into debt due to gambling addictions or kids not even understanding they're spending real money. It's why I talk about them and love them but never recommend them.
Health wise, I've been better. I realize I push myself far beyond my limits during the school year. I've been sleeping over 10 hours a day and have been utterly exhausted. But it's not all that different from how I usually feel. I can just actually rest instead of making do and forcing myself through fatigue. There's been a lot of my usual grab bag of symptoms too aside from just the fatigue. I am able to sleep at times which are more comfortable for me though. I go to sleep around 6 AM and wake at 1-2 PM which is a much better time. I've always been a night owl ever since I was a child. Part of why my insomnia is so bad is because my responsibilities don't align with my natural sleep schedule. It's hard to go to sleep at midnight when my midnight feels like 6 PM.
Mental health has been much of the same. I've been up and down. Summer is nice because I don't have to deal with pushing myself beyond my limits in terms of my physical health, but it's hard being home. I've been growing even more frustrated with my living situation and I have no more patience or hope for any kind of relationship with my family. I'm going to go no-contact as soon as I can safely do so. I've tried to remain polite but my anger seeps into every interaction with my family, despite me trying to hide it. I feel bad about it because I don't want to hurt people, even those that I consider to be some of the cruelest on earth. But I also just can't seem to stop it. My frustration comes through in most interactions. I can tell how much it hurts my mother but like I said, I just can't seem to stop. My whole life they've treated me like a doll with no will or body of my own. I have to ask permission any time I do anything to my body or I risk getting kicked out. No tattoos, no piercings, I can't even wear certain t-shirts or cut my hair too short. Certainly no transitioning, worst of all. I'm not even allowed to use my name. I've played their doll and the longer it goes on, the more I hate them for the control they exert. I hate them too for the violence which I will not describe here. I don't feel human, but I know that I am. I'm so angry they've made me feel like I'm not.