Time: 12:54
Weather: Clear
Listening to: Redesign your logo
Topic: I live.
Content warning: Some discussion of abuse
Been a while since I worked on this site! If you've followed for a while you know I go through periods of activity and inactivity. The last three months have not been especially busy in terms of the amount of stuff I've had to do but I really haven't had the kind of focus and creative output I'd like. I kind of wish my creativity was more sustainable sometimes. I tend to pick up projects for several months then put them down for several more. But I'm trying to accept that's a healthy part of the process for me.
That said there have been some big life changes. I got my Bachelors and am trying to relocate to a safer/more friendly state for trans people. I've been undergoing some shifts in gender for the past year (another normal cycle for me) and have felt a lot more binary than I've felt since I was 15. A combination of savings, birthday, and Christmas money came together and I was able to get my first espresso machine!
For a long time I've dreamed of moving out. It's been so out of reach and now that it's here I feel like there's a real chance to be at peace. After living with really horrible people who put a lot of pressure on me and made me feel like I have no control over my space and life, I really don't want roommates. That means some compromises in space but the idea of finally being alone in my own apartment knowing I won't have to feel scared or pressured or hear cutting words makes it feel like anything would be worth it. As I mentioned, I'm trying to relocate which is going to be a big shift. But actual freedom, bodily autonomy, and peace are closer than they've ever been.
Also, my cat has always lived with dogs and I'd like to spoil her as the only pet in the home.
I'm still planning on going to grad school and getting a PhD in the future. But I think just getting out of a place which is continually weighing me down and hurting me takes higher priority. Also... as much as I love school, I can admit I'm feeling a bit tired. My last few semesters didn't have any film or pop culture classes. It's been a lot of classic American literature, British literature, and Shakespeare. All important things I think in rounding out my knowledge and getting me the baseline that informs so much media. But not my favorite. It led to me feeling more burnt out than I had in my entire time in undergrad. It's contradictory to say but if I was to sum up my feelings about getting my Bachelors it'd be, "I enjoyed every moment and I am very glad it's over."
Every bit of my spare time lately has gone to Baldur's Gate 3. I've played it for nearly 300 hours now and I'm going onto my fifth playthrough. I know I have a backlog of shrines and pages I haven't yet worked on, but when I get the Baldur's Gate 3 shrine up I'll be putting my characters on those pages for perusal. It's been good to have a game which can take up so much of my focus and really leave me relaxed. Even so many times playing I don't think I've found everything. And there's a lot I want to try like certain classes, builds, and romances. I kind of want to make a large scale review of the game like I have (and will continue to) for VNs but I feel odd doing that when I've got such a distinct focus in my videos. Though really, I don't know why I should care when I make these videos for me. They're ways to get out the hours of pent up feelings I have on different games.
I am finally back in the swing of things creatively. I'm finally getting started on my next major review, I've been writing fanfic again, I even drew something last month! My goal for this year is to make this site weirder and continue to push past my reservations and nerves online. I go back and forth on how much I reveal on here. I'm sure some of you have noticed I delete and restore sections of the site as I feel self conscious about them. I don't know if I'll ever get fully past that (nor am I sure it's healthy to remove the feeling entirely) but I want to express my reality and interests with all my passion.
Goals for 2024: Get weirder. Play more games. Don't explode.